Iron Cage Match Drinking Game
Jeff Corwin vs. Steve Irwin Iron Cage Match Drinking Game
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Admit it. You've been in this situation. You are watching the Animal Planet cable channel late some Wednesday night, and you are reveling in images of a bloodied Aussie wrestling crocodiles. Then, Crocodile Hunter ends, and suddenly a new American guy appears on your TV on a show called the Jeff Corwin Experience. This upstart doesn't wrestle crocodiles, but he does liken swimming swamp rabbits to Ethel Merman, and he somehow dredges an immense snapping turtle out of a Louisiana bayou without getting a scratch. You think, who is this guy? Can animals really be captured for TV viewers without snapping at the host? Who would win in an Iron Cage Match... the young East Coast ham named Jeff Corwin, or the battle-scarred Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin?

Well, maybe you haven't thought about it much. But we have. Among the twenty Cthulhu Coffee members, there are at least two biology degrees, at least five people who have worked in the pet industry, and at least nine pet owners with more than one pet. So, even though Steve Irwin and Jeff Corwin have little to do with Cthulhu or coffee, we feel that this Iron Cage Match merits space alongside Cthulhudance.

Besides, we're also making a drinking game out it. The idea is to find a time when both shows are on back-to-back, then sit and watch both in a row. So, grab your favorite friends, grab your favorite beer (as long as you are of legal age in whatever state or country you are in... you don't want to wind up like those Bush kids!), turn on Animal Planet, and get pickled.

And who wins? Well, really, who cares?

The Contestants

Steve Irwin

Jeff Corwin

In an Iron Cage Match, the odds would be with:
Drinking Rules

Show Title Crocodile Hunter The Jeff Corwin Experience Steve. Crocodile Hunter sounds much cooler than The Jeff Corwin Experience. Even something like The Jeff Corwin Adventures would be an improvement. Raiders of the Lost Lemur. Something! Anything! Take a drink whenever a crocodile, alligator, or caiman shows up on either show.

Showtimes Wednesdays: 9 PM, midnight, and 4 AM CST.

Sundays: 4 PM, 9PM, midnight, and 4 AM CST.

Wednesdays: 10 PM CST.

Sundays: 5 PM and 10 PM CST.

Steve. He's been on the air with Animal Planet longer than Jeff, and thus has more time slots. However, Jeff previously had a show on the Disney channel. Take a drink whenever you see an ad for one show being played during the other show.

Nationality Australian American Steve. Being Australian means that Steve can use a bewildering amount of entertaining and bizarre slang. Jeff is left with references to American pop culture. Take a drink whenever Steve uses Aussie slang, such as "Crikey!" or "Cripes!"

Take a drink whenever Jeff references a TV show, movie, or a celebrity.

Pedigree Director of the Australia Zoo in Queensland, Australia.

Grew up in the Queensland Reptile Park, and could catch crocodiles by age 9.

BS degrees in both biology and anthropology from Bridgewater State College. Has an honorary doctorate in public education. Is working on his graduate degree, focusing on Central American bats.

Helped found the Emerald Canopy Rainforest Foundation. Was an expedition naturalist on the JASON project.

Jeff. Though Steve definitely has the macho factor working for him, Jeff has done much more of his homework. However, Jeff almost loses his edge whenever he states the Latin names for any given animal, and then renames it something like Aves marlonbrandus. Take a drink whenever Steve erroneously refers to any reptile as a "dinosaur." [Dinosaurs evolved into birds, not reptiles.]

Take a drink whenever Jeff uses binomial nomenclature to identify an animal. Take another drink if he renames the animal.

Respectability to Animals Steve gets bitten by everything. I think this is the only person I have ever seen get attacked by a 6-inch-long lemur. Jeff not only avoids getting bitten, animals don't even snap at him. He's like some flamey version of Doctor Doolittle. Jeff. Although Steve's escapades with snapping critters is more entertaining, they're not worth much on the day he gets gulped down by a croc while mowing it's zoo enclosure. Take a drink every time an animal snaps at Steve. Down your drink completely if you see venom on the camera lens or Steve's blood anywhere.

Secret Weapons Terri Irwin, Steve's wife, an emergency veterinarian from Oregon, USA. Jeff's overly creative cameraman. Steve. Terri Irwin rocks, though it is boggling to try to fathom how she wound up with a goofy-looking crocodile wrestler. She has established cougar rehabilitation programs and vet clinics here in the states. Jeff's cameraman, on the other hand, has only succeeded in copying shots from 1950's B-movies. Take a drink whenever Jeff's cameraman does a cheesy camera trick (such as forced perspective on an iguana or time-lapse photography to make Jeff move fast).

Down your drink any time Steve puts his pretty wife in danger. Also down your drink if they show off their daughter, Bindi.

Sound Effects Steve likes saying things like, "Boom!" and "Wham!" He's like an aural version of the old Batman TV series. Jeff revels in impressions. Not only will he impersonate the call of a baby alligator, but he also does a great Jacques Cousteau. Jeff. Though Steve, word for word, throws in more sound effects, Jeff's baby alligator impression is pretty damn good. Take a drink any time either of them make a sound effect. Also take a drink any time you hear Jeff talking in an accent or funny voice.

Viewers' Pressing Questions "Do you think he's insured?" "Do you think he's gay?" Jeff. Jeff's pressing question is the same pressing question that kept people watching Xena for six years. Take a drink anytime you see Steve do something incredibly stupid, like run in front of a Komodo dragon while bleeding.

Down your drink anytime you see a male member of Jeff's crew (or the cameraman) "flirt" with him, such as when he gets pinched or swatted on the butt.

In Brief

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