What should we do with Terl?
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(Well, we already did something with Terl: click here to see what happened in 2002.)

Here's the story. Just before the 2001 CONvergence convention, I picked up a large action figure of Terl (John Travolta's character from Battlefield Earth) for use and possible torture in the Cthulhu Coffee cabana. Well, I didn't think of anything in time for the convention, so all Terl did was sit on the table with a suggestion sheet that read, "What would Xenu do? Suggest a fate for this fellow next year!"

Well, we got the first 24 suggestions at the convention, and we are hoping to get more. Please feel free to peruse the suggestions we already have, and then, if you have a stroke of brilliance, e-mail us and let us know about it! We will post your idea on the site, and if we use your idea, we will certainly give you ample credit for it. Maybe we'll give you a free coffee mug, too.

Now, you can suggest any fate you want (as is obvious from some of the suggestions we already have), but in order for us to actually use your suggestion, the fate should follow these guidelines:

a) It should be something that can be done in the hotel. That means no explosives, no dangerous or smelly chemicals, no animals, no heating elements, etc.

b) It should be something that is cheap to do.

c) If you really want to make your suggestion popular with us, make it something that will generate tip money for Cthulhu Coffee. (An example is the Jar-Jar Jar: A figure of Jar-Jar Binks is glued to the bottom of a jar half-filled with coffee; the idea is to have people plunk in enough change to get the coffee to rise above Jar-Jar's head, thus drowning him. Another example would be raffling off the chance to dip the figure in liquid nitrogen and smash it with a mallet.)

Also, a couple notes on the Terl Deluxe Action Figure. He's big, about 11" tall. He as little blinky lights on one of his guns, and at the press of the button, he utters several lines from the film. Kind of a cool toy, to be honest. Maybe you can think of some way to use these features to your advantage.

That said, here are the fates already suggestion by fellow minions. My comments are in brackets.

What Would Xenu Do? What should happen to the Psychlo at CONvergence 2002?

  1. Whack-A-Mole! [This idea is from Joe of the PIGS party. I like it a lot, but the idea of drunks with mallets scares me.]
  2. Slowly covered in sand.
  3. Forced to watch his own movie, Clockwork Orange style.
  4. Placed over an open flame, with contributors adding fuel (wood, lighter fluid...)
  5. Marriage to a Britney Spears doll. [Hunh?]
  6. Starring role in a series shown only at 9 AM Sunday. [Ouch.]
  7. Starring role in a series in which no one dies, i.e., when a starship blows up, escape pods are seen floating away... [Wow, we really were at a sci-fi convention, weren't we?]
  8. Deprived of his armor and his weapons and forced to survive in a fish tank with actual fish.
  9. Breed with Barney. [Terrifying concept, but wouldn't the byproduct of such a coupling be even worse than the two together?]
  10. Anal sex with George Lucas. [But which one is the... er, let's really not go there.]
  11. The Universal Peace Sign [HUNH?]
  12. Boogie the night away! [I could see doing Terl up in Travolta's old sparkly white bellbottoms a la Saturday Night Fever... OoooooOOO!]
  13. HAIRCUT and a BATH! [I'm all for it.]
  14. Slow vaporization by a CO2 laser. $0.25/mw/ms. [If only I could get away with that in the hotel!]
  15. Cameo appearance on Teletubbies. [People really didn't like that movie, did they?]
  16. Acetone. [I really like this one, actually. I just need to find an acetone-safe jar large enough for Terl.]
  17. That heat-ray-gun-thing that the USMC is developing. [...and how am I supposed to get my hands on one?]
  18. Force him to realize that his religion is compete bullsh*t.
  19. Give him back to Scientology.
  20. Throw him into the Sarlaac. [Might be hard to get the Sarlaac into the hotel room.]
  21. It's his turn to be the Yakko, Wakko, and Dot's "Special Friend" [Ooo! I like it!]
  22. M-80 'im.
  23. MAPP gas torch.
  24. Replace the voice chip with the chip from a Barney doll, then raffle off the chance to dip the thing in liquid nitrogen and smash it.
In Brief

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