Okay, this is just about the only thing Cthulhu Coffee actually produces: advertising. That's right! We're all about self-promotion, even though we don't have anything to promote other than ourselves. But people seem to get a kick out of it. So here it is, your yearly horde of Cthulhu Coffee slogans. All 80-some-odd of them.
You may also note that all of these slogans are linked to their original .pdf files. Feel free to print them out and use them for your own nefarious purposes! If you print one of these out and put it up someplace interesting (like the Taj Mahal, the top of Devil's Tower, or up George W. Bush's butt), send us a photo! We'll credit you, put the photo up in the News section, and all the Elders and minions will break into spontaneous applause. (Legal-ese time: Remember, be responsible and sensible. We're not to blame if you get bitten, shot, burnt, sued, insulted, or otherwise maimed or wounded because you were trying to do something dumb with a Cthulhu Coffee sign.)
"By Its smell can men sometimes know It near; Its semblance can no man know, saving only in the wide awake features of those It has begotten on mankind." --The Dark Roast Horror by H.P. Brewcraft
"From the moment of my strange waking they regarded me with extreme horror and loathing, vowing that the coffee was some utter alien usurping my body." --The Shadow Out of Time and Late for Work by H.P. Brewcraft
"He stayed up at night beyond the ordinary time, and upon drowsing would often drink unknown things in a manner so bizarre as to inspire fear." --The Party Beyond The Wall of Sleep by H.P. Brewcraft
"His worst fears concerned the unholy rapport that existed between his mind and that beverage which he had poured out of the ultimate black spaces." --The Haunter of The Dark Roast by H.P. Brewcraft
"I did not sleep at all the night after receiving this terrible thing, and was utterly baffled as to Kaerchers remaining degree of sanity." --The Whisperer in Dark Roast by H.P. Brewcraft
"I did not wonder that the foreigners would not stay, for this was no region to sleep in." --The Room Party Out of Space by H.P. Brewcraft
"If you hear a sort of half-liquid bubbling noise--"glub . . . glub . . . glub"--hang up." --The Beverage on The Doorstep by H.P. Brewcraft
"It is a babel of sound and filth, and sends out strange cries to answer the lapping of aromatic black waves." --The Coffee House at Red Hook by H.P. Brewcraft
"It was the talk of Sir Wade, especially after his third cup, which chiefly led his friends to deem him mad." --Arthur Java by H.P. Brewcraft
"Johansen and his men were awed by the cosmic majesty of this dripping Babylon of elder demons, and knew that it was nothing of any sane planet." --The Call of Cthulhu Coffee by H.P. Brewcraft
"Little good would come of anybodys touching it. Better it be left alone, lest things be stirred that ought to rest for ever in their black abyss." --The Haunter of The Dark Roast by H.P. Brewcraft
"My old black cat, whose moods I know so well, was undoubtedly alert and anxious to an extent wholly out of keeping with his natural character." --The Cats in The Coffee by H.P. Brewcraft
"Of all the bizarre monstrosities in Gilmans dreams, nothing filled him with greater panic and nausea than this blasphemous and diminutive hybrid." --The Dreams in The Coffee-House by H.P. Brewcraft
"Only poetry or madness could do justice to the noises heard by Legrasses men as they plowed on through the black morass at the bottom of the pot." --The Call of Cthulhu Coffee by H.P. Brewcraft
"Some of the cups were full, and none can say how deep they had once been. Others were still bottomless, and refilled by unnameable waitresses." --The Beans in The Walls by H.P. Brewcraft
"Stubbornly refusing to grow cool, it soon had the college in a state of real excitement." --The Coffee Out of Space by H.P. Brewcraft
"That whereof Yuggoth is the youngest child, rolling alone in black aether at the rim of my cup." --The Sipper in Darkness by H.P. Brewcraft
"The 'Party' was owned by a curious group of half-castes whose frequent night trips to certain Midwest conventions attracted no little curiosity." --The Call of Cthulhu Coffee by H.P. Brewcraft
"The black rivers of pitch brewed by some elder race extinct and forgotten." --The Whisperer in Dark Roast by H.P. Brewcraft
"The black, forbidden thing no sane person tasted; the immemorial formulae which has trickled down the stream of time from mans youth, and before." --The Haunter of The Dark Roast by H.P. Brewcraft
"The coffee that preserved them likewise prevented Them from sleeping, and They could only lie awake whilst uncounted millions of years rolled by." --The Call of Cthulhu Coffee by H.P. Brewcraft
"The natives did not like him to drink and talk with strangers; and it was not safe to be seen offering him cream or sugar." --The Shadow Over Thelips and Innsthemouth by H.P. Brewcraft
"The waves from that drink are waking a thousand sleeping senses in us; I have seen the truth, and I intend to serve it to you." --From Beyond Your Bedtime by H.P. Brewcraft
"Then came out of the pot, the black spirits of earth, full of dim rumors from forgotten sea caverns. But of them old Castro dared not drink much." --The Call of Cthulhu Coffee by H.P. Brewcraft
"Then it had gone and the professors felt scarcely sure they had indeed tasted that cryptic vestige of the fathomless gulfs outside." --The Coffee Out of Space by H.P. Brewcraft
"These cryptic formulae contain rare psychological stimuli which have singular effects on nervous systems from which organic pulsations had fled." --Warm Coffee/Cool Air by H.P. Brewcraft
"They found him unconscious and clutching his cup by the edge of a night-black pool, near a grotesquely horrible jumble of decay and bone." --The Refill at Red Hook by H.P. Brewcraft
"Though pull of drowsiness had not diminished, he resisted it as he plodded back to the party and got some more coffee." --The Dreams in The Coffee-House by H.P. Brewcraft
"Wilbur had been shockingly nervous at Cambridge; anxious for the book, yet anxious to get home again, as if he left something brewing on the stove." --The Coffee and Sandwich Horror by H.P. Brewcraft
I am Sheard of Britain. Resistance is futile. Your convention will be five days. (Why do you resist? We seek only to increase your quality of life!)
- About Guy
|2003 More slogans and posters than you can shake a stick at, and believe me, we tried!
2002 200 more slogans and posters for your nefarious plans!
2001 All the latest slogans and full-color posters.
2000 All Y2K slogans, plus .pdf files of the posters.
1999 The first year of Cthulhu Coffee slogans.
First update in two years! Unfortunately, the update says that this site will no longer be updated. Click here for more details.